Costco Business Member Launches New Religion: The Church of Costco

Winnipeg, Manitoba – This week, Jessica Zanu, a long-time Costco Business Member and self-proclaimed spiritual leader, has announced the formation of a new religion, aptly named The Church of Costco. Zanu, formerly known as Jessica to her friends and family, believes this movement will not only save humanity but also elevate the wholesaling giant to a divine status.

You Can’t Have a Whole Soul Without Wholesale

In an exclusive interview, Zanu shared the divine inspiration behind her new faith. “You can’t have a whole soul without wholesale,” she explained, emphasizing the importance of Costco in her spiritual journey. For Zanu and her followers, Costco isn’t just a store; it is a promised land filled with salvation in the form of bulk salmon and hot tubs.

Addressing the Criticism

Critics have labeled The Church of Costco as a cult, but Zanu remains unphased. “As it was said unto me, only those with a pure heart and a business membership shall be put through the gates of a Costco,” she stated. According to her teachings, the Old Testament of her faith was founded on the principle of great savings and community spirit found within Costco’s aisles.

The Promised Land

“Why Costco?” Zanu repeats the question often asked of her. “It’s our promised land, it’s our Kirkland. The dear Lord Kirk speaks through me; I’m a conduit for K.” Her followers, who gather weekly at their local Costco branches, find solace in the unchanging price of the Costco hot dog and the community experience of free samples.

Finding Peace and Purpose

When asked if her followers truly find peace in her teachings, Zanu posed a rhetorical question: “Do you not find the tides of the Earth constantly changing underfoot, and yet somehow the only certainty we have is that a Costco hot dog remains $1.50?” For her and her adherents, Costco represents a beacon of stability in an uncertain world.

Challenges and Faith

Navigating the notoriously busy parking lots of Costco is seen as a test of faith. “I find that Lord Kirk challenges my faith and resilience every time I pull into that parking lot and fight for a spot,” Zanu remarked. “I know he has a plan for me; he sees me when I can’t see myself.”

An Inescapable Commitment

For those contemplating leaving The Church of Costco, Zanu has a clear message: “You can never leave without spending $400. That’s our exit fee. We don’t take Visa or Amex, just debit and MasterCard.”

The Future of The Church of Costco

Looking ahead, Zanu plans to continue spreading her teachings and fostering her community. “Probably to Costco,” she said with a smile. “They’ve got a deal on tooth floss and mini croissants.”

A Search for Meaning

In a world where many seek meaning and a sense of belonging, Zanu’s followers find comfort in the familiar, expansive aisles of Costco. “May the receipt of your life be long and prosperous, and when the time comes, let he who has the highlighter be the first to sign,” she blessed her followers.

About The Church of Costco

Founded by Jessica Zanu in 2024, The Church of Costco is a new religious movement that finds spiritual fulfillment in the wholesale products and community experience offered by Costco. With a growing congregation, the Church aims to provide a sense of purpose, stability, and savings to its members.